Mar 1st, 2015
Torture! I went to the CVS Minute Clinic today as the scaly, prickly dry patch on my arm has been growing and the need to scratch the abrasion has risen to an urgent level. The nurse practitioner took one look at my arm and declared that I have been stricken with a raging fungal infection of the yeast variety. I have never been so humiliated in my life! To make matters worse, the medicated cream I needed to purchase had, “anti-fungal” written all over the box. I don’t know how I will ever show my face in the store again.
This malady has Maxine written all over it. Believe me, if I had a choice, I would kick her scrawny butt to the curb. However, dear blog, as much as it pains me to suffer through the daily tortures she brings into this house, I confess, that I do need the extra money. Mary Kay has been harassing me for another payment. The only way I can remain in good-standing is if I create a monthly invoice for rent and force my mother to give me another $300 or so dollars.
Mar 2nd, 2015
I received an email from LegalYourself.com today, stating that Iris Cutter’s Expresso is a certified and authenticated LLC. I am now a bona fide CEO! I am absolutely exhilarated! It just goes to prove that if you have a dream, there is nothing to stop you from achieving it.
I immediately sent out an invite on Facebook for my Expresso release party. I was careful to remain vague about the nature of my business in order to protect both myself and my intellectual property prior to the release. I admit that I have told many about Expresso, however, the invite was posted on the internet, which hasn’t the ability to be discreet or discern between stand-up citizens and good-for-nothing derelicts.
I then put together a list of to-dos that absolutely must be completed before my kick-off party. I resolved to complete every item on my list, even if it requires a mere 2 hours of sleep per night.
1. Trademark Expresso.
2. Create elegant, yet modernly styled business cards.
3. Create an e-commerce website that can handle a viral surge in traffic.
4. Complete my last will and testament.
5. Write a thank-you speech that is sincere and inspirational.
6. Figure out the perfect word for the first ever Expresso!
Mar 3rd, 2015
Good news! I have a new mentor, ME! It turns out, all the legal filings I need can be found on LegalYourself.com. I was able to trademark Expresso with a few clicks of the mouse! While on the site, I decided that I absolutely needed to patent my idea. I did a quick patent filing on a “sticker that allows one to present their state of mind on a coffee, tea, or other beverage cup via social media”. Once I receive notice that my patent and trademark are pending, I will finally be able to exhale.
LegalYourself.com can also assist with my last will and testament. In all probability, I will require another two or three nights of further reflection before I can move forward. My family, is completely inept, thus unsuitable to inherit Expresso. My father possesses the intelligence and cut-throat decision-making abilities of a CEO, but not the prowess. My mother has a proven inability to achieve success, even in the mildest interpretation of the word. As for Maxine, well, I would sooner run Expresso from the grave before allowing her even a thimbleful of control. Her folly would leave my legacy irreparably damaged, if not altogether forgotten. Dollars to doughnuts, I most likely will not have to worry about dying, since I was able to ascertain a concealable, lightweight protective body armor vest through the archery supply store.
I took pity on the slender-fingered Eric and invited him to my Expresso kick-off party. I encouraged him to dress stylishly, since it’s going to be a black-tie affair. I do hope he’s savvy enough to understand that means gloves.
Mar 4th, 2015
Wonderful update! Brett French RSVP’d, “yes” to the Expresso kick-off party! I’m absolutely tickled. I do hope that our magnetic attraction isn’t too uncomfortable for the slim fingered Eric. While I don’t want to shove rejection in his face, if bewitched by Brett, I will be unable to ignore my impulses, as the definition of bewitched implies.
After work, I met with a web designer. As expected, our meeting lasted several hours due to the urgency of my request. I kept the site as bare-boned as possible, without losing too much of the class and sophistication that one would expect from Iris Cutter’s Expresso.
Mar 5th, 2015
My stress-level is at an all-time high.
I received a severely heartbreaking quote from my web designer, Scot Ipsum. $30,000! A quality site is critical in order that I be able to handle a viral amount of web traffic, however, I have no idea how I can raise the funds to pay him back. I cannot risk using a do-it-yourself website that will crash with only a moderate surge in traffic. I REFUSE to ever have anyone mutter the words “epic fail” and “Expresso” in the same breath, and I’m dead-certain a over-extended website will summon that exact result.
I quickly wrote an email back with a business valuation that estimated Expresso to be worth at least $1M by December of 2016. I offered him a measly 10 percent, meaning in a year and a half, if Expresso stays on point, he will earn $100,000 for something that he has only valued at $30,000. The skater freak swiftly replied back with an emphatic, “No”.
In an act of desperation, I called my father to request an advance in my inheritance. I have no idea how much he has allotted for Maxine and I, but I’m certain that he loves us enough that it’s a minimum of $100,000 combined. He coldly told me to “go fuck myself”. After a long awkward pause, I explained to him the importance of a quality website that has the bandwidth to support a million hits. The damn fool said in an impatient voice, “Seems to me like you are spending a lot of your money on things other than your coffee idea.”
I flew into a mad rage! I couldn’t believe the galoot thought Expresso was coffee! I couldn’t bear to talk to him further. I madly pressed the “End Call” button on my phone over and over, until I was certain that our call was disconnected.
A short time later my mother called with a promise of $10,000 for every 100,000 hits I get over 500,000. I asked if that was per web page and she smugly retorted that perhaps I wasn’t able to start out with more than one page on my website.
Mar 6th, 2015 1 P.M.
I want to just die. Today, of all days, the CEO of my current company has decided to have an investor meeting! I have been running around all day constantly printing out everything from power point presentations to cockamamie boarding passes for flights. How it is that these high-powered executives can’t do a single thing for themselves?
This lack of planning on my executive’s part has me in complete panic mode. I hardly have time to pick up my business cards, much less write a carefully constructed speech or think of the perfect word for le premier pas Expresso. Further, I haven’t time to select the appetizers in which to have ready for my guests and I haven’t any kind of signage to direct the party-goers to the back room where my Expresso kick-off party is to be held or even a reliable assistant with whom I can trust to make trendy and professional decisions. I called my mother several times, however, she has answered zero of my calls.
The only silver lining to this morning is that my web designer, Scot, has agreed to build me a one page website for the price of $10,000. He assured me that he will host it at the same site that hosts Netflix, thus easing my mind for the massive influx of traffic.
Mar 6th, 2015 11 P.M.
I shall never forget this truly wonderful night. Everyone that is special to me attended, yes, even, my true love and soul mate Ohranj, who is currently waiting for me in my bed with open arms.
Mar 7th, 2015 Historic Expresso Kick-Off Re-Cap
Last was the most glorious night of my life! My Expresso kick-off party was a complete success in every sense of the word! As you know, the beginning of the day was a complete bust. If not for the paper bag that I kept at my desk, I surely would have had an attack of panic.
Since my mother wasn’t answering any of my calls, I had no choice but to call Maxine to help me with the party planning and coordination. I gave her very specific instructions:
1. Treat my party with the prestige and distinction of a royal affair.
2. Place a food order for worldly appetizers such an olive tapanade and/or bacon wrapped dates. Just to be safe, I told her if I saw a hot wing or macaroni and cheese ball anywhere at my party, I would divulge to Ethan Baker and the buggy Ryan that she was a two-timing trollop.
3. Wear something suitable. I requested she step into my closet and pull out an attractive and inviting pant suit. I resisted the urge to mention the word “casual”, lest she show up in jeans and a sideways baseball cap.
4. I then disclosed that if she look under the far side of my bed, she would find a locked suitcase. I requested she bring the secured carrier to the restaurant. I purposely neglected to inform her it contained my Expresso stickers.
Finally, 5 P.M. came and I zipped off to my party in my iris colored skirt suit. I walked in to the party room where Maxine and Ethan Baker were waiting for my arrival. They assisted me in setting up the room, which included placing a plethora of unused coffee cups on all of the tables.
Slowly, my nearest and dearest friends came trickling in, until finally, it was time to reveal my wonderful stickers! I felt my voice trembling when I called everyone to attention, but then I quickly remembered that a CEO is confident and composed. I shook off my nerves and using the most caution, unveiled my stickers, thus giving rise to the hottest new trend in America. I instantly felt the sting of tears hitting my eyes. I tried to mask my runaway emotion by looking to the ceiling and furiously fanning my face, but it did no good. I looked back to my eighteen closest fans, blew them all kisses. It was then, just as I was acknowledging everyone, that I saw my heart’s one desire, my treasured Ohranj, standing at the far end of the room smiling.
I grabbed one of the coffee cups and dashed off in his direction, carefully scanning the room for the hideous Christy. When I arrived at his side, I narrowed my eyes and queried, “Where is your troll girlfriend?”
Ohranj smiled and said, “Relax, she’s out-of-town for the weekend.”
I giddily exhaled and gave him the most passionate hug I have ever given anyone. I then, exclaimed to the world through my historic first Expresso, “I’m feeling unbridled joy”. And in that moment and for the rest of the night, I truly was.
Mar 7th, 2015
After I completed my Expresso Kick-Off re-cap blog, I headed out to the Starbucks by my house and bought four vanilla lattes; one for Ohranj, Maxine, Ethan, and myself. It was a beautiful day out and the stroll back to my apartment was an ideal time for personal introspection.
Now that I am a CEO and Expresso has launched I must continue my rise. I cannot rest on my stylish laurels and expect to maintain success. I must carefully construct an image that is synonymous with prosperity and unconventional tradition so that I can continue to prosper as both a self-made businesswoman and a brand. I made a great promise with myself to get my finances in order, assess and address any lingering self-loathing issues, and ready myself for on-camera appearances.
When I returned back to my home, I posted another Expresso and then gently snuggled next to Ohranj’s warm body. I nudged him awake and handed him his vanilla latte. While he sipped his beverage, I began to wonder if he was still spending all of his free time playing video games. It is an obsession that lies much below his intellect and stymies him from achieving his potential.
This curiosity haunted my thoughts for the entirety of the day and a major portion of my night.
Mar 8th, 2015
Ohranj woke up early this morning and confessed that he had to get home. I snuggled up to him and whispered that I would dreadfully miss his company. As he started to pack up his belongings, I gently reminded him that even though it was still the weekend, that shouldn’t preclude him from moving forward with his goals and personal dreams. I then packed up some Expresso stickers for him and kissed him good-bye.
Shortly thereafter, I evaluated all of the top talk show circuit opportunities. My first priority is to share my success journey, not talk about my product. This automatically disqualified many of the night time network shows, since most of those shows are all about marketing. I want to make certain that my brand is congruent with top-notch business acumen, not just inventive products.
With this as my driving force, I concluded that my first stop should probably be Larry King, with The View running a close second. I would never accept an invitation to be on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. His smear campaign against the traditional media is very problematic. I do not understand how people who have degree’s from clown college think that they know better than people that have actually studied the fine art of journalism.
Mar 9th, 2015
I received an exciting phone call from Brett French today. He asked me if I would like to accompany him to a Bulls game tomorrow night. I regrettably replied in the negative since I am currently in a relationship. However, his invitation encouraged me to call Ohranj and ask when it would be that he has told Christy to scram. While I admit that I love Ohranj more than I could love anything or anyone, the length of time it takes him to accomplish even the most menial of tasks drives me mad!
I scoured the internet all day to try to find Expressos, however was only able to find five. Three were posted by me, one was from Maxine, and the other from Ethan Baker. I must remember to include #expresso instructions with customer’s online orders so that I am able to more easily track the world-wide phenomena.
Mar 10th, 2015
Good old fashioned CEO improvisation struck again and the result was a very lucrative day for Expresso!
Since my Expresso launch party, I have been checking my inbox for orders and still, nothing has come through. I can see that over 30 people have visited my site, yet, I still have no confirmation of an order. I immediately called my web designer, Scot Ipsum to inform him that something has failed on the site. Either I’m not being notified of orders or the site is not working properly.
Even though he has assured me that everything is in place, I decided to set up a portable Expresso shop. I skipped to the supply room and found some lovely 8 1/2 x 11 vellum sleeves. I brought the materials to my desk and was able to put together a delightful 10-pack of stickers for on-the-go customers. Also included were my business cards and instructions on how to use hashtags in conjunction with an Expresso posting.
It didn’t take long for my coworkers to discover the wonderful adhesives and I sold three packs! I was absolutely thrilled! Then, later at archery class, I sold four of the packs to my fellow archers! The excitement I felt witnessing the the four preteens clamoring for my labels was indescribable. I imagine that it was analogous to the way NASA felt when Apollo 11 made contact with the surface of the moon or the way Jonas Salk felt after he developed his vaccine for polio!
I shall absolutely treasure the $70 I earned today. In honor of this very special day, I have decided that March 10th, shall be treated the same as a national holiday for my Expresso employees. Each year, on this very date, they will be rewarded with the day off from work as well as a $70 bonus in their paychecks.
Mar 11th, 2015
One of the archer’s from my class, Piper Lehmann has posted an Expresso! She felt “Happy” at exactly 3:30 P.M. yesterday. I closely monitored the progressive amounts of “likes” she received, which made it’s way into the hundreds. This is exactly the viral type activity that I was confident Expresso would generate!
I’m tickled pink at the progress that Expresso is making, but my excitement is slightly curbed by Scot Ipsum’s complete lack of urgency. He is still insisting the site is working perfectly, which I know is a complete fabrication. Countless numbers of people have seen Expresso and I still have yet to receive one online order! The only conclusion to draw is that the site has a programming glitch, yet Scot has done nothing! I was left with no other alternative to add my phone number and quick note of apology to anyone that has made an online purchase and not received a confirmation email. I cannot afford another day of unfulfilled orders while the dufus programmer spends his time drawing digital street designs of the middle finger all while eating Extreme Doritos.
I still haven’t heard from Ohranj. Has Christy been dumped? Are we officially back together?
Mar 12th, 2015
I don’t know how I will ever fall asleep tonight! This waiting around for Ohranj to dump Christy is treacherous. Every day, I wait around for him to call me to let me know that the deed is done and every night, I go to sleep with uncertainty. I have called, texted, and Facebook messaged him; I even stopped by his condo tonight, all to no avail. Tamar suggested that he may be out-of-town, an idea to which I scoffed. It makes no sense that he would spend two glorious nights with me and make no mention of vacation or business plans. When I pointed out the flaw in her argument, she raised her eyebrows and bluntly told me, “Well if he ain’t outta town, then he’s clearly ignoring you.”
Could this be? Did Ohranj only find me alluring and enticing because I was wrapped in the glitter and glow of my Expresso kick-off party? Now that the party is almost a week behind us has he shoved me to the curb to find a new budding entrepreneur with which to play?
I’m not ready to write Ohranj out of my heart, but I will, moving forward, be extremely cautious. There are simply too many unjust people looking to play with the emotions of a successful woman for amatory reasons or conquest. Mark my words, I will not be one of them.
Mar 13th, 2015
I received an invoice from my web designer, Scot Ipsum today. In addition to the $10,000 I owe him for my one page website (which I still believe is improperly working) he hit me with “fine print” fees totaling $400. One line item was for PCI compliance and the other for an SSL certificate. I swear, it never ceases to amaze me how much others will try to suck the fortune out of an accomplished businesswoman! I can only surmise that he desires an overpriced flat-brimmed baseball cap and doesn’t have the funds. Is this what it’s like to run a company? Constantly babysitting others and satiating their every need?
Mar 14th, 2015
Today, I decided would be a day of action and forward movement.
I woke up and created another invoice for Maxine’s monthly rent and promptly sent it off to my mother. I firmly, but gently reminded her that rent was due on the first of the month. Because it was now the 14th, I had no choice but to include a late fee of $200, making the total rent owed for the month of March, $500.
I then marched over to Ohranj’s house to get an answer from him once and for all. While standing across the street, peering into his windows in order to properly ambush him, I noticed he and Christy through the windows. They appeared to be in a heated argument. I smiled and of course, assumed that Ohranj must have recently divulged our sultry weekend love affair with the boar.
I walked away felling satisfied and victorious, however am a dry pint unnerved that he still hasn’t contacted me. While I do not want to make much ado about nothing, it is quite discourteous that Ohranj is leaving me hanging like this and I have a natural instinct to send him a large file outlining the negative effects lack of communication has on a relationship.
Mar 15th, 2015
I contacted a real estate agent to show me around to different corporate offices for Expresso today. I could only muster the strength to listen to her ramblings about how there are many up-and-coming trendy neighborhoods for fledgling up-starts for about 3 minutes before I politely told her that I was only interested in a prime Loop facility.
Chicago success has long been associated with a sophisticated Loop location and if I am going to be taken seriously then I must look the other major players in the eye. It is crucial that when CEO’s are taking a well-deserved reprieve from their busy schedule, they look out of their corner offices and see me, Iris Cutter, staring back at them. This simply cannot happen without a carefully calculated location strategy. I want my biggest competitors to know that I have arrived and that I mean business.
In other news, I took advantage of the seasonably warm weather and stood outside of a local coffee shop, “State of Bean” and sold two Expresso to-go packs. Once Chicago wakes up from its winter hibernation, I am certain that Expresso sales will skyrocket.
Mar 16th, 2015
I tested my website today, by placing my own order of Expresso stickers. I refuse to have egg on my face because of my lackadaisical web designer! Fortunately, the order came through exactly as expected. Scot must have finally decided to get serious about his career and fix whatever it was that kept people from ordering my fabulous product.
I still have not heard from Ohranj despite several calls and private messages on email. This is getting absolutely ridiculous. I had no choice but to write him a brief and pointed note that suggested a temptation for another. Then, in a moment of weakness, I called and left a message for Brett French asking if he would be able to accompany me to a spirited night of live music, since there are always Irish musicians playing around town on St. Patrick’s Day.
This was a mistake of many multitudes. Brett, of course, called me back promptly and left me a message that he would be happy to join me. He said I should just text the time and address of the locale and he would be there. I couldn’t bear to go out with Brett; not when Ohranj and I were on the verge of getting back together. More so, a fevered paranoia took over my body and soul. I was convinced that playing with the emotions of a classy man in order to accelerate Ohranj’s love would cause my newly established company to karmically crumble to the ground.
I texted Brett back and implored him to forgive me, but that I had suddenly been attacked with a viral illness that resembled Ebola, without the profuse bleeding out of my cavities. I told him that I suspected I was exposed to this illness during a visit to the children’s wing at Northwestern hospital over the weekend. He then instantly called me, causing me to further the charade. I moaned and groaned while insisting he stay away for fear that he be exposed. I then promised that I would immediately have Maxine escort me to the Minute Clinic at the CVS, where certainly, they could provide me with much-needed antibiotics.
I spent the rest of the night researching for an illness that comes and goes in as little as a day.
Mar 17th, 2015
I used my lunch hour to go stand outside of a Starbucks this afternoon in order to sell some more Expresso stickers. You would think that I was asking people to buy girlie magazines! I got absolutely the weirdest looks from the clods walking into the cafe. I must have stumbled into a pouch of washed-up, tired, clones, such as Jenny Baker, because vibrant people live to post their innermost thoughts and feelings on the internet. I’ll bet standing out at the Starbucks at an earlier hour when fresh and peppy people start their day will prove more successful.
Mar 18th, 2015
In order to bolster sales, I carefully curated list of other CEO’s in which to target to become users of America’s hottest new craze, Expresso. This list, “My Dream 50” is loaded with only the best and brightest, including the current CEO of the United States, Barack Obama and his wife Michelle. This list, will be my main focus for the next couple months. I simply will not be satisfied until every last member of My Dream 50 is an avid Expresso user and admirer.
What’s most thrilling is that I believe no other product in the world can boast such an allegiance. Because Expresso is the only of it’s kind, I will be the sole provider to America’s most prestigious, a much coveted feat in the business world.
Tomorrow, I will finally get to tour office suites with my real estate agent, Chaz Murphy. I’m absolutely giddy with excitement and anticipation.
Mar 19th, 2015
The worst thing in the world happened today! Christy Calm has posted the most repugnant Expresso one could imagine. I’m enraged with the anger of 12,000 men! Tamar called me at 6 P.M., as I was waiting for Chaz my real estate agent, and informed me that I needed to get on Facebook as quickly as possible. At first I thought that Expresso had finally gone viral. I have sold a couple of packs online and every once in a while, I see glorious posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. My heart skipped a beat while my body sprinted back to my office to investigate the commotion. Tamar warned me for the worst, but I kept a good thought, despite.
But truly, nothing could have prepared me for the atrocity that waited for me on my computer. One of my precious Expresso stickers was adhered to the dead center of a man’s butt-hole. Scrawled across both of his cheeks was the message, “I’m feeling like taking a huge dump on Iris Cutter.”
I was absolutely horrified! I felt like running into a conference room and hanging myself from the polycom phone cord. To make matters worse, the post had already received what felt like a zillion likes and all I could do was sit at my desk and look at Christy’s post in disgust. I felt all the pain and anguish from my high school days flooding my memory, leaving me a quivering mess. I had no choice but to cancel my showings with Chaz and then run to the most private conference room in order to safely wail. After a good hour of sobbing, I finally made my way home where I nursed myself with Taco Bell, tequila, and a good scratching all over my body.
Today was supposed to be a day of great excitement and exhilaration. Ever since Expresso opened for business, I naturally thought that all my struggles were behind me. But here I was, a broken victim of online cyber bullying with nothing more than empty taco wrappers and hot sauce packets to show for my life.
Mar 20th, 2015
After a night of deep reflection, Tamar, Maxine, and I have been able to piece together a series of events that have lead to the cyber smearing of Iris Cutter and Expresso.
First and foremost, it must be said that Christy Calm is an evildoer that will stop at nothing to kill my very soul. Ever since high school, she has intentionally placed misery into my life from giving me the most horrible nickname to invalidating my traditional, yet stylish outfits, for seemingly no reason. I know now, since I am older and wiser that she was probably severely jealous of my skillful vocabulary and my steamy relationship with Ohranj. She must have been seething for weeks, secretly jealous of the success that I have achieved in frankly, a very short amount of time.
Since my Expresso launch party, I’m certain that Christy has been visiting my elegant website and reading my online posts regarding the hot new trend of posting one’s innermost thoughts and desires on social media. The instant success must have been eating her from the inside out, causing a colossal fire to grow in her belly. I’m sure she saw the post that indicated I was meeting with a real estate agent for my corporate offices, which caused an inferiority complex so large that she could only feel whole by tearing me down to the ground, as with most invalidating bullies.
Then, finally, Ohranj must have informed her of our wonderful weekend of love, warmth, and comfort, thus spinning her to fall into a complete tailspin in which she could only focus on my destruction. She hurt me in the best way she could, by soiling my dear reputation and by disparaging my greatest success to date.
I will not cower from this sneak attack. Believe me, I will find a way to put the screws to Christy, if it’s the last thing I ever do. I have also deleted all of my business updates from my social media feed. The last thing I need is another bottom feeder looking to cause me further mental anguish for his or her own pleasure.
Mar 21st, 2015
I have contacted a lawyer to draw up a cease and desist document insisting Christy take down her damaging and unlawful Expresso post. I have further decided to move forward with a civil suit for harassment and defamation.
While I would never want to relive the agony that I have been made to suffer these last couple days, I secretly admit that the punitive damages I will be seeking will come in handy. My last day at my current company is in ten days, and if I’m to pay rent, bills, etc, I’m concerned I may need additional income since Expresso has yet to go viral.
A viral infection on the internet, much like influenza, attacks when one least expects it.
Mar 22nd, 2015
I did a little bit of snooping around today and I have a sneaking suspicion that Ohranj and Christy are still a couple. Furthermore, I’m skeptical of his intentions of getting back together with me.
Clue number one: Neither he nor Christy have updated their Facebook statuses to indicate that they are no longer in a relationship. Certainly, if they had split, one or both of them would have raced to make the amendment to their profile. This would have been followed by a series of sympathetic yet cryptic posts from friends and relatives on the other’s profile, a clear indicator that one has suffered a moderate to severe loss.
Clue number two: Neither Ohranj nor Christy have participated in removing the hundreds of nauseating pictures of the two of them nuzzling from the internet. I wonder how it was even possible for them to post so many hideous pictures in the six short months they have been together. Truly, it’s as if they are trying to save everyone on the world-wide web, one vomitous photograph at a time.
Clue number three: Ohranj has yet to contact me since our weekend together. I have done everything I can think of in order to avail myself to him and I have not even heard as much as a peep. I remember when he used to scrape and claw for me and now, well, it feels as though he’s actively trying to escape my love and affection.
Mar 23rd, 2015
I heard back from my lawyer today. The imbecile refused to file a cease and desist claim against Christy, claiming that, “she is using the stickers exactly as intended; to share her thoughts and feelings on social media.” I argued that the stickers were made to be posted on, and only on, coffee, tea, or other beverages one can purchase at a cafe or eating establishment, hence the name Expresso.
To this, he retorted that I better get used to the idea of people’s free will.
I responded with an Expresso of my own which indicated that I was feeling annoyed with Hans Lever.
Mar 24th, 2015
A week from today is my last scheduled day or work and I couldn’t be more delighted. Truly, the freedom of being able to come and go as I please will be a welcome reprieve from the daily grind. Finally, I will be able to enjoy a leisurely week day lunch without hassle. Or take a day to recharge without worry that I will run out of personal days off. I know all to well that not having an appropriate amount of time to center is the root of basic human illness and disease. I hate to think about the irreversible effects my current job has bestowed on my life.
It comes as no surprise to me that now that I should be living care-free, Christy has decided to come after me with the voracity of a tiger. I swear she won’t be satisfied until my health resembles a shriveled raisin that has been forgotten in a cold dirty crevice of a child’s car seat.
In other news, I believe that Ryan, Maxine’s insect-like lover, has found out that she has been seeing another man, as he spent the night howling a love song outside of our apartment. He didn’t stop his amateur serenade until I stuck my head out my bedroom window and flung dirty socks at him.
Mar 25th, 2015
After purchasing some weekly cleaning supplies, I earned a $5 Extra Bucks reward from CVS. I quickly ran to the cosmetic section to find a nice new gloss or fresh spring shade for my cheeks. While standing in front of the vast array of beauty products, I was at first, brutally reminded that Mary Kay is breathing down the back of my neck for reimbursement for all the supplies that I purchased to sell. But like any great CEO, I turned this negative into a positive and decided that I would recruit Maxine to get rid of my remaining products in exchange for room and board.
I zipped home. Once I arrived, I brought all my supplies out to the dining room table and insisted that Maxine join me for her first lesson in beauty. I started my tutorial with a brief introduction about the cosmetic expectations to which women are expected to live. As it is, one cannot secure a major position in the workplace without a little extra color in her complexion and that there is no such thing as a bare-faced beauty in the workplace. As harsh as that sounds, it’s absolutely true. One must always keep in mind the following: you are going to meet all types of different men when you are at work and if you want to leave a distinctive and lasting impression, you must stand out with a little bit of color, a lip that pops, or an eye that says, “I’m well rested, motivated, and powerful.” I can say with absolute certainty that I am a CEO because I have always understood that natural beauty isn’t enough to make it in the workplace.
After going through all of my different shades and glosses, I told Maxine, that she needed to invite her most favorite friends over for a night of brains and beauty if she wanted to stay living with me for the next month. She tried to object, however I reminded her that it was her rule, not mine, that we live together in harmony with out any major explosions of disapproval and disagreement.
Mar 26th, 2015
Does no one respect the sanctity of Expresso? Today, my stickers were used as ammunition in a tweenage love triangle. It seems everywhere I turn someone is using my lovely Expresso stickers in some sort of improper and vulgar way! Before I ship out orders, I should be doing a thorough background check of other online postings by the buyer. If only there were some way to know all their username aliases and handles!
After an hour or so of contemplation, I decided to call Brett French with the hopes that he would invite me to some kind of outing over the weekend. In all honesty, I’m experiencing a completely non-rational bout of jealously and heartache with two men fighting for the grungy hand of my sister while no one is even courting me. I have heard it’s lonely at the top, but I didn’t think that it would be this lonely, this soon.
Mar 27th, 2015
I met with my corporate real estate broker today and the experience was enchanting. I fell absolutely dead-drunk in love with a prime office location at Madison and State Street. As soon as we walked in the building it felt as though I had arrived home. The exquisite building had a polished marble lobby, extremely professional looking security guards, and wonderful foliage that would fool any animal from the rainforest into thinking it was in it’s natural habitat.
I held my breath, hoping against hope, that we would be heading to a location that was as close to the penthouse as possible as we were signing in with security. We walked in the elevator and Chaz pressed floor number 45, which greatly excited me. I could only imagine the stunning amenities and high-end fittings that a suite on a floor as high as 45 would offer. We exited the elevator and we when turned to the left, I was immediately blinded by a stunning view of Lake Michigan. Scared to even ask, I gave Chaz a look of “Please tell me that we are going to that suite.” He replied with a simple affirmative smile.
Suite 4505 was truly everything that Expresso embodied: class, prestige, and vitality. It’s glass entryway was sleek and uncluttered. Situated right behind reception was a conference room which also boasted transparent, bullet-proof glass walls allowing for an immaculate view of Lake Michigan as well as top-notch security. I could easily envision other high-powered executives admiring the classic decor and safety that Expresso’s offices claimed.
Immediately, I knew that my receptionist was going to be more than a simple turn-key for Expresso’s back offices and senior executives. This office demanded that our receptionist act as a liason to the great city of Chicago, proficient in everything from pick-up and delivery of dry cleaning services to handling dinner reservations and evening activities. In fact, I wanted my receptionist to be well-known as the most discreet and discerning of all the city’s concierges.
The rest of the office was just as enticing. There was plenty of space for Expresso executives, two kitchens, a smaller conference room located within the cublicle area, and even an employee lounge, where my employees could find solace amid their busy work schedules.
I was in love and I told Chaz that I needn’t see another space. I turned to him, with tear stained eyes and told him through my sniffles, “This is the place.”
Mar 28th, 2015
Brett French called me this morning and inquired if I would be available for a date in the evening. I immediately replied in the affirmative, despite it being an invite for the same day. I usually decline same day invitations in order to let my potential suitors that I am not a last-minute date kind of girl. It has always been my opinion that a last-minute date is a cure for common boredom and I absolutely refuse to be someone’s temporary bandage of good times and merriment.
I selected a wonderful decorative sweater for our evening out. I had a perfect melon camisole to pair with the sweater, which of course, I found in the middle of a mound of dirty laundry next to Maxine’s blow-up mattress. I tried my best to get it to smell fresh, but there was no way for me to get the hideous stench of Maxine’s personal “I-haven’t-showered-in-a-week” odor. Instead, had to settle on a cranberry camisole, which looked fine, but was far from the sublime style to which those that know me best have become accustomed.
My evening with Brett was a barrel of laughs. I inquired if he was always this funny and he noted that he was, in addition to being a sports writer, also an improvising comedian. I admit, at first this was a turn-off. Living with an off-off-off Broadway actress for the first 23 years of my life was scarring enough. I truly cannot imagine spending further time with a talentless no one constantly yearning for the success of a Hollywood actor ever again. But then, he mentioned that while he had a passion for comedy, his true calling was sports journalism. I involuntarily breathed a huge sigh of relief, to which, of course, he chortled.
After dinner, we went back to my apartment, however, I was unable to invite Brett in for a nightcap. I could see through the window that Maxine was home and I will never make the mistake of introducing her to another one of my love interests until I have him fully charmed and intoxicated under my spell. She simply isn’t to be trusted.
Mar 29th, 2015
Today was Maxine’s first ever Mary Kay party. It was pure hell trying to keep all of her friends’ grubby fingers out of the make-up! I swear, every time I turned around another one of Maxine’s friends was lunging for an anti-aging serum or dipping her ring finger into eye pigment as though it were crack cocaine. What I had hoped to be a leisurely afternoon where I could dream about my new office space, became a glorified babysitting obligation.
Furthermore, while Maxine was able to unload some of last year’s shades on her friends, getting them to actually understand the need for a luxurious beauty regimen was a chore and a half. Has the younger generation completely given up on living up to their full allure potential? I swear, these girls would have been satisfied getting together to sip gin out of licorice straws while wearing nothing more than diapers.
The only bright spot was that the girls were clamoring for my Expresso stickers. They were posting selfie after selfie, letting the world know their sentiments and circumstances. However, no matter how hard I tried to style their hair or impress upon them the need for sun-kissed cheeks, they were all too satisfied to take pictures of themselves with dull, lifeless skin tones.
Tomorrow I shall get a rental agreement from Chaz Murphy. I can hardly wait to move into Expresso’s new home!
Mar 30th, 2015
All of my corporate office hopes and dreams have capsized and I’m completely mortified. My real estate agent, Chaz, sent me over preliminary documents for the lovely office suite on Madison and State, which included the current rental price, $120,000 per month. It was inconceivable to me that an office suite, would fetch such high rent. Thus, I consequently called Chaz and informed him that there was a mistake on my rental agreement. I merrily announced that I had a good laugh over his rental rate and then asked him to take a look at the figure he typed into my agreement. There was a long silence on the phone, until finally, he very flatly stated that there was no mistake. $120,000 was the monthly rent. I could feel the heat of humiliation travel through my body in the speed of a second. I had no alternative, but to pretend to have another call in which to tend.
After I hung up from Chaz, I immediately called my mother and screamed at her for my flagrant under-preparedness.
“By all appearances, I possess the same strong entrepreneurial background as other CEO’s,” I pointed out. “But you never taught me the ins and outs of high stakes business. Instead, you spent your precious time snuggling with dad on the couch, in an almost sickening fashion!”
My mother was completely unapologetic.
“Oh, Iris, I simply don’t have time for this now.” Then she muttered with great glee, “I’m snuggling with your father on the couch.” like she was some kind of brilliant comedian.
I don’t know how I will ever be able to face Chaz Murphy again or how I will ever find a corporate office as perfect of as the space on Madison and State. I swear, I shall forgive my parents for this gross inadequacy.
Mar 31st, 2015
What should be the most glorious day of my life is instead turning out to be a day filled with self-doubt and worry. Am I strong enough to be one of the most powerful CEO’s in the world? Do I possess the needed skills and education to make it or will I become the laughing stock of the modern-day workplace, a cautionary tale of what can happen when a middle-class dreamer is born into a family of ill-informed, ill-humored, simpletons?
I tried to put on a brave face at my office send-off, but I couldn’t help but wonder, will I ever be back in the Loop? Will I ever receive mail at a 60601 zip code again or am I destined to become one of the many small businesses that line the outskirts of Chicago’s Loop playground, constantly fighting to stay afloat all while fooling myself in believing that maybe today will be the day that I shall be discovered and my mundane, boring product will somehow be transformed into the hottest new trend.
Perhaps I am not special.