Oct 1, 2014
My manager Jenny called me into her office today and asked me what made me think it was ok to display Mary Kay cosmetics on my desk for sale purposes. I wasn’t sure if she was being sincere or not, so I took a chance and politely chortled. Her response was less than ideal. The grouch told me to remove all trace of my side business from my desk and to wipe the smile off my face while I was at it. I returned to my desk, somber, and remained so for the rest of the day. I left immediately at 5 P.M., but not before I printed out proper etiquette for a front office receptionist and placed it on Jenny’s desk. I mindfully added that a sour receptionist can have far-reaching consequences on a company.
I called Ohranj three times today. When I came to the realization that he was not going to call me back, I Facebook messaged him. Then, I sat in front of my computer with a coupe of gin, and cried until my eyes were sore. I called Tamar to join me, but she was engrossed in a game of Risk.
Oct 2, 2014
I had a meeting with my human resource representative, Patrick Rohm this morning. I was handed an official notice for insubordination. Another ignoramus with whom I have the displeasure of working.
I spent the rest of the day absorbing what everyone around the office was wearing. I resolved that when “Expresso” had it’s own offices every employee would be required to have a wardrobe consultation.
I’m still unable to workout, but drove to the gym in order to attach another Mary Kay flyer to the locker room cork board. I hung my advertisement along with a Post-it note which politely requested that no one do me the discourtesy of snatching down my notice. If I don’t book a party soon, I fear I may end up with copious amounts of summer shades on my hands.
Afterwards, I went to the CVS, as I still required St. Ives Apricot Scrub for my face. I slyly walked in, took careful observation that the employee in which I handed my invalid coupon was not on shift, and then purchased two tubes, at full price.
Oct 4th, 2014
I’m crawling out of my skin with disgust and humiliation. I had intercepted a text sent to my best friend Tamar, from Ohranj, inviting her over to his house to watch Project Runway. This questionable text arrived while Tamar and I were lunching. Tamar was in ladies room and I was waiting at the table for our check to arrive. I gracefully reached over to her phone when the text alert sounded, read the biddance and then patiently waited for my invitation to arrive. I never received a text, but showed up to Ohranj’s at 7pm, as I assumed my lack of an invitation was an insignificant oversight on O’s part.
Upon arriving at Ohranj’s I took off my coat and selected one of my most favorite chairs in which to sit. It was then that I noticed, from across the room, a hideous, Southwestern styled cloak, a frock that I very distinctly remembered a one, Christy Calm, wearing last fall. My stomach immediately dropped. It wasn’t even 30 seconds later that Christy walked into the living area, handing out hors d’oeuvres, as if she and Ohranj were hosting this little shindig together. I did the very best I could to hide the revolt from my face, but the frail clod must have picked up on my non-verbal cues, because she broke out in a tirade regarding my presence and then forced Ohranj to ask me to leave. As he walked me to the door, I reminded him that this little stunt of his was going to require me to reconsider ever getting back together with him, a threat that he seemed to take rather well for hearing that he was about to forever lose the love of his life. I then informed him that his appetizers smelled putrid, and he retorted my hair was unsightly and inelegant.
I shall be keeping my eyes and ears open around Tamar, as I my intuition tells me that she is running with the foxes and hunting with the hounds when it comes to this Iris/Ohranj/Christy saga.
Oct 5th, 2014
I woke up this morning determined to do something with my hair. I will never again let my hair get the best of me, as it did last night. I walked down the street, in the freezing fall weather, and walked into Strands. I told them that I didn’t care what the cost: I wanted a cut that was authoritative, yet sexy. I pulled out all the stops. It took the stylist and colorist over 3 hours to complete the transformation, but when they were done, I looked marvelous. I put the $300 charge on my credit card and vowed to figure out a way to pay it off in less that 6 months.
While at the salon waiting for my new hair color to process, I saw an advertisement for Nina’s Place, a female teen help center. I believe I possess the courage and strength to counsel someone through the darkest of times. I called the center when I returned home from the beauty salon and requested a meeting with their CEO or equivalent. I have a meeting set up for Thursday. I’m both excited and nervous as I have never met a real CEO before. I’m also considering wearing a more modern outfit, rather than a traditional suit. It is important that if I’m going to be counseling teenagers, that my new boss has confidence that I will be able to relate to teenagers. In order to show my youth and individuality, I have decided that I am going to wear decorative scarf, with a black pinstripe suit. Rather than the ivory blouse that “How To Dress for Success” recommends to wear on a job interview, I have selected a red blouse. I will wear it fully buttoned, to tone down the red color.
Just listen to me! I guess that I’m absorbing “How to Dress For Success” faster than I thought. Pretty soon, the next thing you know, I’ll be writing the updated version of the book! I already know that if I do decide to write a book for power dressing, I will use my full name, Iris Elizabeth Cutter as my plume de nom.
Oct 6th, 2014
I spent the night spying on Ohranj and Christy. I am totally revolted at the pace at which their relationship is blossoming. After wandering on both of their Facebook pages at work, I was able to uncover that they were meeting up in Wicker Park for pizza. I left work a tad early in order to ensure that I was deep under cover by the time the two love birds arrived.
I can safely say that Ohranj’s behavior was sickening. He took about 30,000 pictures of Christy and she had a trashy pose for each and every photograph that he took. They kissed as though they were the only ones in the family friendly pizza joint. At one point, I truly believed that they might tear each others clothes off and I felt deeply embarrassed for them.
I’m devastated. I have no answers as to why Ohranj is doing this to me. Has he forgotten about all the years we were together? Has he forgotten about how we lost our virginity to one another at our Senior Homecoming? Or how I let him violate my body at every single movie we ever went to see? Although we have separated several times since we began our love affair in 7th grade, I silently resolve that I will never, ever take him back, no matter how much he begs. The trauma of this situation has left me too hurt; too broken.
Christy is one of the most vile people I have ever met. Her face is hideous, oozing with leukorrhea. I would rather swim in an insipid pool of both seminal and digestive secretions than look at her.
Oct 7th, 2014
I created a lovely ensemble to wear to work today and it went totally unnoticed. Admittedly, I haven’t the bank account to purchase reliable, high class logos and labels, but I am choosing breathtaking silhouettes and strategically hiding my feet until I can purchase more than just my staple loafers. And what about my new hair? Has my new color and cut escaped everyone’s attention?? The only person that has commented has been Eric, an office collegue in which I have no further interest than friendship, despite his subtle hints of further development of our relationship.
Eric is an aerodynamic engineer and has many desirable qualities in which one would like in a partner. He has lovely dark brown wavy hair and a genuine smile. I can tell he must be meticulous, because his teeth are strikingly white. In our interactions, I have gleened that he enjoys listening to music, likes going to the beach in the summer time, and has a yearly barbeque on his rooftop deck during the air and water show, when almost all the engineers from the office cut loose an talk about the jets that fly-by. However, Eric is a delicate man. His thin build is not altogether unattractive, but his long and dainty fingers are so scrawny and graceful that they give me the creeps. I sincerely can’t imagine how he will ever find anyone that can see past his fleshless fingers.
After work I scoured the internet for affordable Expresso stickers.
Oct 8th, 2014
Expresso is the new hottest thing! Well, not quite yet, but I have ordered 5000 thermal cups from Amazon and once my sticker design is perfected and I have made a firm decision on either calling my coffee cups “Expresso” or Express-o“, it’s off to the printers, and then the shelves of every coffeehouse in America! I will reserve 1000 cups and stickers for my nearest and dearest friends, so that they will be able to enjoy Expresso for free. It’s the least I can do to recompense them for their years of continued friendship and support. I want them to securely feel that I will never change, no matter how rich and powerful I may become.
According to my math, I will only be spending $1000 for the cups and stickers. If I sell them for $1 each, I will be making $4000 in profit, leaving plenty of money left over for charity, monthly fees & dues, personal appearance, lawyer & professional service fees, and hush money.
The excitement I have about Expresso has almost made me forget that Ohranj and Christy are currently conspiring against me by dating each other. I’m certain they relish in savagely and pitilessly gossiping about me.
I have also laid out interview “unforgettables” for my engagement with the CEO of Nina’s Place tomorrow, even though I strongly believe that a job outside of Expresso will soon be unnecessary. I have neatly splayed on my dining room table 2 pens, a notepad, my wallet, the address and phone number of my interview location, extra resumes, in case the CEO is so impressed with me that she would like me to meet with several others, a calendar, my cell phone, mint gum, extra pantyhose, and mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Oct 9th, 2014
I called in sick in order that I focus on my impending job interview at Nina’s place, only to discover, my meeting was a complete waste of time. Rhonda Kafta, the CEO, met with me, but not to be a counselor for our troubled youth of tomorrow, but rather in order to interview me to assess whether or not there was an opening for me to become a resident. I’m completely humiliated. Imagine ME, living in essentially a half way house for mentally damaged girls and pranksters. I believe I would shrivel up and die if anyone was to ever find out.
I spent the rest of the afternoon at the gym, where I imagined every single footstep I took on the treadmill was one right over the face of Rhonda Kafta. Not only was she quite uptight and judgmental, but she dressed poorly. My success regimen includes this mantra: I shall dress with utter integrity, with the highest caliber materials available. Rhonda, however, dresses like a schlep and not even the PhD diploma plastered to her wall can appropriately decorate her for the position she holds.
Oct 10th, 2014
My manager, Jenny, was struck by an automobile last night. While she was unable to make it into the office, she sure had plenty of energy to call and direct me on how to complete all of her tasks as well as the wherewithal to remind me that I had reached my limit of sick days for the year. I quickly changed to subject to her own health and safety, gently remarking that in the future, I suggest that she not cross the street while wearing an iPod or any other sort of mind occupying device. While pedestrians do have the right of way, some just lack the respect and common sense needed in order to safely cross.
I have been unable to keep my mind off of Nina’s Place. Why did the CEO believe that I was looking to be a resident? What was it about me that gave off the impression of insanity?
Oct 11th, 2014
My insulated coffee cups for Expresso arrived today. I have very limited space in my apartment, so I put the box in the middle of my living room and draped one of my favorite heirloom tablecloths over it. While the box doesn’t quite appear to be a designer coffee table, it at least is tactfully covered, erasing concern that a snitch may come along, look into my windows, and swipe my idea.
Tamar came over and insisted I go shopping with her. She has a date with a new man, Ross, a gentleman she met while waiting for a table at an American-styled bistro. Since Ross works in the service industry, I recommended she select a fresh, well-pressed, tidy outfit that falls somewhere in the range of business casual to business appropriate. Because it’s an evening look, I recommended a sweater set that is both feminine and very pulled together. I just hope that she doesn’t become too inebriated, thus nullifying any thoughts he may have of her professionalism.
I called Ohranj several times and am losing my patience with his inability to call me back.
Oct 12th, 2014
I had planned to spend the day relaxing, curling up with either a good book or movie, but got an unexpected call from Christy, disrupting my mood for the entirety of the day. She noted that she was fed up with my constant contact with Ohranj. I mentioned that Ohranj and I had shared a closeness that can only be classified as “soul mates” and that I did not expect her to understand why it was that we would be a hairsbreadth from each other for the rest of our lives. I further mentioned that I considered her only a blip in Ohranj’s and my love story and found it quite unexpected that she would be so worked up over my calls when she and Ohranj had only been seeing each other for mere weeks.
She then struck a low blow when she called me Muff Puff. All of the pain from high school came rushing back. I spent the rest of the day thinking about the humiliation I endured since she gave me that monicker. Other than my senior yearbook debacle, there was also the fact that I was required to miss the Sadie Hawkins dance, I dance to which I looked forward since the day Ohranj and my eyes met in 7th grade science class. After deciding to attend the boys basketball winter tournament, I was forced to run out of the gym in torment, after the dreaded “Muff Puff” chant was started in the student section. Because I was hurried and weeping, I failed to notice a large patch of ice, causing my to slip and break my ankle. Though I was able to extract a winnings of $15,000 from the City of Chicago for my suffering, I have never received one dime for the emotional distress I have had to endure since and will forever suffer.
There was no way I was going to be able to relax for the rest of the day, so I simply laid in bed, quietly suffering until I fell asleep.
Oct 13th, 2014
I had a grave argument with my boss Jenny while on the phone today. Jenny, still on the mend, had the nerve to call me insulting. Apparently she has been fuming all weekend about my remark on crossing the street with handheld devices. After our call, our HR representative, Patrick Rohm, walked up to my desk and asked if I had time for a discussion, in which he inquired if I had some kind of vendetta against Jenny. I mindfully replied that Jenny believes that I have taken issue with her, when in reality, there are many in which I feel a great deal of unaffection. I vigorously added that that several office employees earned higher salaries than I, despite their juvenile vocabularies and casual attitudes. I believe it is hard to take any of our executives seriously, as they dressed as if they had completely given up on becoming anything more worthwhile than their current position. And that asking their own employees to strive for greatness, when surrounded by mediocrity was the business plan of fools.
Patrick, did not react as expected, harshly explaining that there were several others who would enjoy working in a relaxed and casual atmosphere. He further noted he could be interviewing hopeful candidates as early as tomorrow. Shaken, I swore that I would continue to serve loyally, however could not hide my scowl when handed my second disciplinary notice.
I walked back to my desk and asked, “Why is it that I should apologize for being passionate?” I secretly admit, I am and have always been terribly afraid of disappointing others. This shameful secret has driven me to do the best I can to complete tasks perfectly, but it also has its dark side. It has also driven me to hold others to the highest standards, constantly exposing their own imperfections, driving them to tears over their own feelings of inadequacy.
I believe I am suffering from what is known as the working man’s condition.
Oct 14th, 2014
I was the recipient of an invitation to Tamar’s Halloween soiree today. I walked into my house, without so much as taking off my blazer, and carefully sliced the envelope adhesive of the invite, in order to preserve the integrity and design. As per usual, Tamar’s invite was divine. Ever the creative, she used green and purple for this particular invite, cluing her guests in to the fact that this Halloween party was for grown-ups. It was enticing, thrilling, and full of zest. If I didn’t save her invites for display on my desk at work leading up to the event, and then for my scrapbook, I would certainly “inadvertanty” drop her invite in the foyer of my building so that everyone would know the type of affairs to which I am invited.
My excitement quickly transformed into anxiety, however, after it occurred to me that Ohranj may be invited, and that he may decide for some unworldly reason to invite that hag, Christy. I called Tamar under the guise of RSVP, however, slyly inquired about the guest list. She wryly replied “I invited Ohranj, if that’s what you are getting at, and yes, people are allowed to bring guests.” I feigned a buzz at the door and promised to call Tamar right back.
Just my luck. Just as everything in my life is falling apart, this too? Was it too much to ask to have things simply go right for a change? Was it wrong of me to want things, just for a week, to go my way? I know God created two types of people: Ones to which he gives fish, other’s to which he gives a pole, a line, a lure, and a cunning instinct, but too, even the latter needs charity. I hopelessly went to my refrigerator, and pulled out a dainty, yet sharp cheese spread, smothered some Triscuit’s with the delightful pate, and tried to put things back into proper perspective while I ate.
Afterwards, I called Tamar back and affectionately announced to her that I would be attending her party with the firm intent of dancing until dawn, in a nice, loose, relaxed character dress.
Oct 15th, 2014
I scoured the internet for archery classes in a nearby area at work today and to my great happiness, I discovered there was a class, in close proximity to the train depot that commenced on this very night. I ran to the train after work, just barely arriving prior to departure. I had to sit next to a malodorous chap, but was no less enchanted.
Learning to arch is thrilling! While I haven’t mastered it yet, I’m sure I will catch on quickly, once I start to arch out of my office attire. Moreover, I have never been one to fail at a new endeavor. Others have insisted that archery is for a more masculine woman, however I have decided that the most important sports a business woman can learn are tennis, golf, and archery in order to achieve the utmost respect from others with high titles.
Oct 16th, 2014
My relationship with Ohranj is weighing to be quite heavily on my mind, causing me to contemplate forward movement with finding a new man to share my life, hopes, dreams, and wealth.
What is really important to me? What kind of man would be tops on my list? First, I need a man that will let me make MY move. One that will not try to come in and take over Expresso, after all the hard work and creativity I put into it. I will never allow myself to be sidled by someone who is only looking to take advantage of my youth and inexperience. Secondly, I will not allow anyone that is not in full support of my business choices to be by my side when judgment day arrives. My man, must be driven and successful, that’s a given, but he cannot let his own success lend itself to arrogance. He must think of me as an equal, in fact, it would be extremely beneficial, if he ran a company that manufactures thermal cups or stickers, so that we could illustrate our business savvy through negotiations. Lastly, I would want him to be affectionate, fun, caring, giving, attractive, funny, and suave. Oh Ohranj! Why won’t you come back to me???? Life without you is like a slow, agonizing night after drinking an elixir laced with hemlock.
Oct 17th, 2014
It was another tiresome day at the office. Jenny is still withering away in her bed, while I do my best to fulfill her duties of ordering office supplies, keeping the kitchen fully stocked, scheduling meetings in the conference rooms, and walking around with a general frown on my face bringing nothing but gloom and treachery to the office. I have to admit I am extremely surprised at how many in the office have taken the time to visit the laid up grouch. It’s no wonder some clod in the office put a little get well soon planter on my desk a couple of weeks ago. I am apparently working in an office of Florence Nightingale impersonators.
Oct 18th, 2014
I had a tremendous breakthrough in the middle of the night. I was up at 3 am, admittedly in knots and ties over Ohranj and Christy when it suddenly struck me from out of the blue: Expresso only needs to be a sticker! I do not have to create a whole mug design. I could simply make a sticker that is tasteful with all types of coffee mugs and magnets for those aluminum thermal mugs so that you can change out your mood throughout the day! I could sell both the stickers and magnets in variety packs, so that people could use more than one a day. Genius, it seems, is squarely lodged in simplicity.
Upon realizing I no longer needed the 5000 thermal cups I purchased, I immediately called Tamar and noted that I would supply all the drinking cups at her Halloween extravaganza. She seemed quite ungrateful, 3am or no. Again, one more thing I have offered up to my friends that goes unnoticed and unappreciated.
Oct 19th, 2014
I spent a great deal of time trying to find an appropriate costume for Tamar’s Halloween Party today. There is no finer a line that between allure and whoreishness than a modern day Halloween costume and I must be mindful to stay on the conservative side of this equation if I’m going to impress. While I am always one for creativity, I simply do not possess the time needed to properly make a costume that is suitable. While out shopping, I came across many cat outfits, which gave me the idea that I should disguise myself as a beagle, one of the most treasured hunting dogs in the world. What better way to stand out amongst all of the other woman, while giving off the air of accountability, reliability, and predatory instinct. I purchased a black body suit, on which I shall sew white overlays. I have some adorable dog ears and found myself a lovely face painting kit. Lastly, I purchased a pair of tall black boots in order to stand a good 2 inches taller, thus instantly eliminating 5 pounds off each thigh.
Note to self: Consider writing a “How to Dress for Halloween Definitive Guide”.
Once arriving back home, I called Tamar and asked if she wanted to come over for dinner. She accepted and we both joyfully chatted about our Saturday night affairs. She told me that she found herself a nice young man at a karaoke club that she took home and with whom she shared relations. I lied and said that I went out on a date with an older gentleman, a vice president that I met in the elevator at the office. I noted dinner was pleasant but that I was not about to get head over heels for someone that may or may not be alive in five to seven years.
Oct 20th, 2014
I walked into a buzz at the office today. Apparently Jenny took a turn for the worse over the weekend and is currently in a coma. I never thought that I cared much for the outdated dame, but to hear that she may only have a few days or even mere hours before she expires, has left me feeling helpless and full of sorrow. I am in sincere shock that I feel this way.
After work I took a long stroll down the street, through the neighboring park, and then to a wonderful little Greek restaurant. I ordered a classic Grecian meal and just for fun had a digestif called Ouzo. There was a dashing gentleman, also enjoying the after dinner drink, who inquired if I would like to join him. He was a wine dealer, named Arthur and quite a nice conversationalist. He told me about his favorite wines, wines from all over the world, and at some point in the night, I believed I promised to travel with him to sample these exotic potables in their motherland. However, now that I am home, I am in deep regret that I gave him my number. This indiscretion on my part shall give me many sleepless nights. Already it is 2 am and I’m no closer to falling asleep than I was six hours ago. I hope this anxiety doesn’t drive me to the disgusting habit of skin scratching.
Yes, blog, I admit, that when I was a Freshman in high school and Ohranj and I broke up for the first time, I began to uncontrollably scratch my skin until it was raw and bloody. It started on my arms, but then it gradually spread to my torso and legs. I took me 7 years and countless rounds of therapy to get over this, but tonight, more than anything I just wanted to take a long hot bath and furrow myself until glowing crimson.
Oct 21st, 2014
I watched a French movie today and was astonished at the lack of precise language in the subtitles. Has everyone forgotten the beauty of language? Where is George Bernard Shaw when the world needs him most?
Oct 22nd, 2014
My second archery lesson was absolutely thrilling today. Holding my bow with the proper tension is grueling and fatiguing, but I believe with the proper training I could arch masterfully. If not for the fact that I lack the pithilessness needed in order to hunt, capture, and mortally wound an animal, I certainly could become a stealth killer. Never-the-less, without actually hunting, I believe that I can fully appreciate the glory of the longbow and its long history of warfare and challenges in artistry and etiquette.
After my lesson, I returned home to warm up, as it has gotten quite chilly out. I snuggled up in an afghan my Grandma Katie crocheted for me and turned on the television. I absolutely REFUSE to even entertain the idea of checking Facebook or my cell phone for possible correspondence from Ohranj. In fact, I much prefer to believe that he is currently at Christy’s house, holding her dear hand, waiting for her hollow mind to forever close, due to assisted suicide.
Oct 23rd, 2014
Upon awakening this morning, I had a tremendous and crippling pain in both of my shoulders and back. The pain was so treacherous that I called into my office, intending to plead my argument for another sick day, however before opening my mouth, I was informed that Jenny suffered a heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away. Because of this, everyone that worked directly with Jenny was excused from the office to grieve. I then delicately explained to Patrick that I shall be front and center, ready to take on all new responsibilities, if I’m asked to serve in a new role.
I spent the rest of the day nurturing my aching body with caffeine and muscle rub, while Facebook stalking Ohranj and Christy. Apparently, Christy is still alive, despite my plea to the universe that she perish.
Oct 24th, 2014
I went into the office this morning and spent the majority of the day walking from cube to cube discussing Jenny’s passing. The overall consensus was that she died much too young, so I moped around with extra vigor in order to fit in. Quite frankly, it wasn’t hard due to the intense muscle spasms I was still experiencing.
I continually caught Patrick throwing looks of disgust my way, so I politely posted an informative flyer in the kitchen and common areas reminding everyone that I would be happy to lend an ear to anyone stricken with grief. While I’m not a licensed counselor, I am an apt listener.
After I arrived home, I received a call from Arthur, the wine salesman I met at the Greek restaurant, wondering what I was doing for the night. Given that he was calling me day of, I was resistant to any kind of last minute planning, but was amiable to meeting tomorrow.
I spent the rest of the night, admittedly, ever so gently, scratching my arms. The agitation against my skin was so soothing, that it honestly could have passed for a slight tickle.
Oct 25th, 2014
I went to Strands early in the morning, in the hopes that I would be able to “walk-in”. My hair has fallen decidedly flat, and I wanted to have my best foot forward on my date with Arthur. I’m not sure if we will ever become more than friends, but honestly, I feel I need a trusted ally in my life.
I’m not sure if I’m feeling so out of control because of Ohranj, my work situation, or just an overall feeling of gloom and doom, but I do need to have someone take me out and treat me.
Oct 25th, Continued
My date with Arthur was extremely exciting. I feel I may have cast him in a doubtful light earlier and that was quite wrong of me. Arthur is both charming and illuminating. The first thing I noticed, as he was walking up to my door is that his stroll is unusually slow and masterful. It appeared, almost, that he was lost in reverie as he approached my stairs. I was alarmed, not wanting to spend an evening with someone that was possibly intoxicated before our dinner date started, but, just as I was about to turn off my house lights and all other trace of being home, Arthur, delicately sneezed into his hand, causing him to pause in his gait and gently pull a out moisturizing hand wipe from his pocket. He did this delicately, yet purposefully, conveying grace, rather than inebriation.
When he came to the door, I was all to happy to let him hold my hand and kiss it.
Arthur’s face is amusing. He has a wonderful jawline, intensely blue eyes, and a slight tan, which invokes an outdoorsman mien, yet his small, round glasses give him both looks of wisdom and conservatism. I have to admit, dear blog, that I caught myself staring into his face, dreaming of what our life could be like, should we continue this affair.
As a matter of course, at the end of the night, I was playful, yet careful not to display any signs of come hither. Unlike Tamar, I do not jump into bed with my courters, wily nily.
Oct 26th, 2014
Tamar came over today. We both worked on our Halloween costumes, while I listened to her most current ungulate heartache. Tamar is in pieces as her Friday night one night stand has sent her a private message on Facebook revealing he is currently in another relationship and shan’t be able to entertain further contact. Why this trivial fling is meaningful to her can only be explained by the fact that Tamar has deep seeded masochistic tendencies. While Tamar insists that she and this Tom have been building up to a relationship for some time, I gently reminded her that she continually entertains men that are either in a relationship, vulgar drunkards, much too young for her, or quite frankly, out of her league.
After we finished our costumes, I lined up my Mark Kay cosmetics. Now that Jenny is gone, never to return, I figure that I should be able to safely and securely try to pawn off the summer shades on the old maids in the office without offense.
Oct 27th, 2014
As expected, I was able to set up a little display of cosmetic goodies at my desk without suffering the humiliation of scorn by my superiors. As much as I hate to say it, the atmosphere in the office has been elevated tenfold, now that we no longer have to put up with the unsavory aura of Jenny. I do not mean to sound cruel, but sincerely, Jenny somehow managed to tee me off, almost an unbearable amount of the time.
Jenny’s husband and son, who was granted reprieve from his duties in Afghanistan, called the office and reported that they will be visiting tomorrow in order to retrieve Jenny’s personal belongings from her desk. I prepared my own armament to move into Jenny’s office after their visit.
I received a delightful phone call from Arthur. He requested the honor of my arm at a fall ball, sponsored by Redbull this Saturday night. I am head over heels ecstatic.
Oct 28th, 2014
Well, it’s true what they say, “When it rains, it pours.” Jenny’s son, Ethan Baker, is one of the most breathtaking men, I have ever laid my eyes upon. How I wish I had paid closer attention to the ravishing military photograph that Jenny kept on her desk. Had I known what was going to walk into my life this morning, I would have worn a more revealing outfit, such as a sheath dress, rather than the midweight wool black pants I had chosen. In order to compensate, I was careful to feign a phone conversation, while Ethan was passing by, in which I was advising one of my friends that seasonless black pants in the workplace were the standard of perfection for a woman in charge. I then gently winked at Ethan. Pleasant behavior and mood certainly are easy, when the cause of your acrimonious behavior is dead.
Eric later came up to my desk, noting that I seemed to be in good spirits. His long boney fingers were twirling around a pen, causing me to feel faint.
I also received a phone call from the gym, noting my absence. I promised to make it in later in the day, then called at 6 P.M., in order to explain that my hamstring had rendered me powerless and that my presence was unlikely. They fully understood.
Oct 29th, 2014
I’m completely flabbergast! The entire collection of my Mary Kay summer cosmetics has been pilfered from my desk. I immediately went to HR to file a report of the missing items. I demanded to see security tapes, time stamps on employee badges, and a search of desks, lockers, as well as physical searches on all of the women in the office. Patrick, mentioned that we did not have security cameras in the office. He further noted that without an exact time of the alleged event, tracing employee movement through their badges would be an ineffective use of his time. If that wasn’t slight enough, he went to further explain that he could conduct an investigation into desk drawers, but not without first giving notice to all employees and then asked me if I wanted to move forward with scheduling a search for tomorrow! Yes tomorrow! This sounded about as valuable to me as pouring water through a sieve. Has common sense really sunken to this level?
I went back to my desk holding back the ocean sized tears that were swelling in my eyes. I honestly couldn’t feel worse. I was relying on earnings from those cosmetics to help me pay for my new hairstyle as well as stickers and packaging for Expresso. I fear I shall now be set back a few months and I wanted to have my stickers on every coffee shelf in America in time for the holidays.
I sent an email to Patrick mentioning that if our parent company is not going to assist in finding the office swindler, that I would be forced to include local law enforcement in my own personal investigation as well as require a company-supported lawyer in order to ensure that no further violation of my rights take place. When I returned from lunch, a response was waiting in my inbox, where Patrick urged me to call the local authorities. I took him up on his invitation, however, after calling 911 and explaining the crime perpetrated against me, I waited in vain for any type of officers to respond.
After an agonizing train ride home, I scratched my arms and legs until they were bloody, drank three glasses of gin, and called Ohranj at least two times. It seems that I have no course of retribution, other than to self sooth myself with various types of detrimental behavior.
Oct 30th, 2014
I woke up with the deepest of pits in my stomach this morning. It was 6 A.M. when I realized that I had forgotten to attend my archery lesson last night. If not for the disgusting crime committed against me and then the heinous way both my company and the police handled it, I would have remembered. Instead of feeling invigorated and powerful, I now feel full of self-pity. My arms and legs are mutilated, rendering me unable to wear a dress or anything strapless to the Fall Ball that I am to attend on Saturday night.
I tried to find a way to be agreeable in my office this morning, but frankly, I can’t give 100 percent to an office that clearly doesn’t value anyone but the aerodynamic engineers and sales associates. We will see how far this company grows when the turn-key to their back office chews gum, leaves people on hold for excessive amounts of time, and veers from standard receptionist protocol. While I want my name to be synonymous with perfection, I also want to teach these tyrants a lesson.
I spent the night rubbing healing salve and topical steroids all over my body.
Oct 31st, 2014
Tamar’s Halloween party was a roaring success! While I was preparing myself for a night of discord and despair, I was pleasantly surprised with an evening of harmony, good spirits, and even, hope at another chance of dating Ohranj. I swear, the couldn’t have worked out any better than if I had planned it.
Things started off sour, when I arrived at Tamar’s sans the insulated coffee cups I promised to her. Relying on my cups, she had not purchased any for the party. Always quick on her feet, she pleaded with Ohranj to drive me home to pick up the cups, in order that they make it to the party as quickly as possible. Ohranj reluctantly agreed. When he and I left the party, I looked back at Christy’s dumbfounded face and winked, for I couldn’t help myself.
Once I was alone with Ohranj, things felt just like old times. I noted I was ill prepared for the weather and the gloves I had worn were insufficient for warmth. I slowly pulled off my glove and nestled my hand on Ohranj’s leg. He delicately took my hand and blew his hot breath on to it. He then gently squeezed my hand and placed it back on my own leg. He smiled and asked if that felt better. I nodded. Ever the gentleman, he then turned up the heat, remarking his desire for me to be adequately snug. I jumped at the opportunity to declare, that if he were my man, I would forever be in clover, even if old man weather dropped the mercury below zero for the rest of eternity. We then sat in silence for the rest of the ride. Once we arrived back at Tamar’s, I told him that I would faithfully wait until he unburdened himself from the sleaze, Christy.
I am eternally grateful to Tamar. I take back every terrible thing I ever thought about her and will forever punish myself for ever thinking that she was conspiring against me when it came to Ohranj and Christy.