September, 2014

Sept 24th, 2014

This morning proved to be a true breakthrough and will undoubtedly go down as one of the most significant days in American history.  Today is the day that I have invented the biggest thing to happen to coffee, since Starbucks.  Starbucks did a wonderful job bringing coffee into the 21st century.  No longer thought of as the businessman’s interlude or the housewife’s laxative, it is now an event; an engagement for friends, would be lovers, and lonely souls searching for companionship through the internet.

But time has continued to march and Starbucks, just like everything else, is growing tired and old.  That’s where Expresso comes in!  Expresso elevates your coffee drinking pleasure by becoming an interactive, social experience!  No longer will we simply walk into a coffee shop, receive our coffee, and go.  Now our coffee break is another opportunity to let the world know exactly how we are feeling in that exact moment!

This morning, I have invented stickers that are meant to be adhered to your coffee cup.  The stickers come pre-printed with the following, “I feel __________.”  Simply populate the blank with your expression, take a selfie while drinking your coffee, and post to your social media sites.  This is Expresso!

I have been walking around feeling reinvigorated today, which is a welcome respite.  Instead of occupying my days thinking about Ohranj, I have decided that I shall document my daily life.  I shall create a blueprint on how to start your own company and transform it into one of the most powerful and revered companies in the world.  This will be my legacy, my success journey, by Iris Cutter.


Sept 25th, 2014

The day started with a tragedy.  An iCal notification alerted me that I had one day until my $5 CVS coupon expired.   When I arrived at the CVS check out with St. Ives Apricot Facial Scrub, it was only then that I took note that the coupon’s validation lapsed on the 24th, rather than the 26th, as I had programmed into my computer.  I walked out of the CVS, empty handed, not because I didn’t have any way to pay for the exfoliation product, but rather over my humiliation of presenting an invalid coupon.  I dread having to go back.

I later called a co-worker and informed him that I would not be making it in to work, but suggested that my return on Friday was probable.  I didn’t want the office to be too concerned about the state of my health, as I have been feigning illness since Tuesday.

I used the day to continue brainstorming the marketing and financials around my latest idea, Expresso, the stickers that allow coffee drinkers to signify the undercurrents of their soul and spirit.


Sept 26th, 2014

I made it into work today.  Shockingly, nothing has changed since Tuesday, other than the hideous little flower pot that someone has placed on my desk, with a little message growing out of it, as if a plant, blankly stating, “Hope you feel better.”  I have my suspicions that this is a little gift from Eric, whom I’d rather not date, so to be on the safe side, I have placed the faux flower pot on the bottom of my trash container and feverishly covered it with miscellaneous paperwork and a half eaten burrito.  No one asked about it.

I have made a pact with myself to exercise every day as part of my success regimen.  I packed up my workout clothes and headed for the gym, only when I arrived, I realized that I had neglected to bring a Mary Kay posting, thus creating the need to drive home and retrieve the item.  Once I got back home, I used poor judgement and turned on the television, which captured my attention so intensely, that the hour I had dedicated to workout had expired to the point that I only had time to return to the gym and attach my notice to the bulletin board.  I delicately placed the spread on the lower left hand corner, in the most appealing section of the cork board and then cautiously threw away the babysitting services notice that hung previously in it’s place.  I figured that no one really needed a babysitter since the gym offers a  child watching service anyway.

I arrived back home and brainstormed further on Expresso.  How in the world am I going to come up with enough money to market this idea?


Sept 27th, 2014

My lucky day!  I have received a gift certificate entitling me to a free haircut & style in the mail today.  I promptly called Cheveux and made an appointment, as I have a dinner party to attend tonight.  I believe that I am going to request something assymetrical or a gentle taper from the back to front.   A stylish new cut aligns perfectly with my new success regimen.  If I’m going to make an honest and sincere go at “Expresso”, then I must dress both sharply and intelligently.

I spent a great deal of time searching the internet for tips for successful marketing campaigns.  You would think with all the bloggers out there that I would have been able to find a single one that outlined the proper steps succinctly.  Instead, it appears as though I’m going to have to buy an expert marketing book tomorrow.  I flip flopped 3 times on whether I should order a book online or if I should drive to Borders tomorrow.  I finally rested on driving to Borders early in the A.M. as I must have my new marketing book as soon as possible as I cannot afford to wait one or two extra days for a book to arrive in the mail, especially since my current mailman is not to be trusted.  He once dropped a package addressed to a neighbor that lives 2 doors down the street.  This box sat on my steps for months before I finally took the package inside my apartment and threw it away.

I did not have time to workout today, as my carefully scheduled day was a bit thrown due to the unexpected arrival of a free hair cut and style at Cheveux.

Note to self:  Heavily consider the pros and cons between the two names “Expresso” and “Express-o”

Sept 27th, 2014, Continued

My haircut is less than ideal.  I selected a sublime cut from the fashion publication at the salon, but apparently Miss Tionne at Cheveux doesn’t know the difference between a scissors and hedge clippers, because my hair looks like a conical shrub.  I tried to mask the artless mess atop my head with a pair of modish earrings, but it did no good.  When I arrived at the dinner party, my best friend, Tamar Cleaver, smugly commented that all concerns that she and I would be fighting over the perhaps one desirable man at the dinner party suddenly disappeared.

I spent the rest of the night drowning my humiliation in a bottle of gin and am now feeling quite uneasy.


Sept 28th, 2014

I am floating down the river of death.  Nothing could be worse than the feeling I have in my head, heart, and pit of my stomach.  My best friend Tamar arrived on my door step early this morning to inform me that my ex-lover, Ohranj was out on a date with the vile Christy Calm last night.  I pressed as to where she heard this malodorous rumor and she rather enthusiastically informed me that it was all over Christy’s Facebook page.  I logged into Facebook and immediately found Christy’s insipid little status update that she and Ohranj were at a play, starring Jimmy Smits.  I’m totally crushed by this development of Ohranj’s and my love story.

Ohranj knows how much I detest Christy.  Her and my relationship is nothing more than a long list of unforgivables perpetrated against me starting from high school when she tactfully announced the course, black, curly hairs on my beach towel were pubic hairs.  In fact, those hairs were actually fur, from my beloved poodle, Cupcake.  Never-the-less, her impartation was the catalyst for the the tortuous nickname of Muff Puff, a name that required me to throw away my high school yearbook due to the high volume of people using this inhumane name in their salutations.   I had long thought that my senior yearbook would be a treasure trove of memories.  I carefully selected just the right extra-curricular activities and events to attend so that my posterity would be proud of me when perusing through the pages.   I even paid extra to have my name foil embossed on the lower right-hand cover.  All the work I had put in throughout my senior year was tarnished when I arrived home after the yearbook signing social and I noticed all of the Muff Puff references.

I secretly hope and pray that one of the unpopular twits from my class dies, so that I may pocket their yearbook and then populate it with proper messages of future success and musings of weekend shenanigans.

I can neither stop crying nor stop the Chinese mustard that is flowing out of my intestines, into my toilet bowl.  I am only slightly comforted by the fact that Ohranj had to spend hours with Christy, requiring him to carefully listen to her whining and her vapid musings on how close she is to suicide.


Sept 29, 2014

I was dreadfully tired all day today.  In addition to having an extraordinarily hard time falling asleep, I also woke at 5 A.M., turned on the television to calm my mind, and then watched Changling for the next hour and a half.  I had read that Angelina Jolie is curiously thin and I was compelled to intensely watch the movie to see if I was able to catch a glimpse of her freakishness.

7 A.M. arrived quickly, and despite my my agonizing heartache, I made it out of bed and sludged my way to the El.  I left the weekend auto-attendant on the phone lines as I needed to lament exactly how I should handle the Ohranj situation.   While I scribed personalized notes to both Ohranj and Christy, outlining the ways that they have hurt me, I was interrupted by my manager Jenny Baker.  She handed me items for a care package that she was sending to her son in Afghanistan and asked that I find a suitable box and to ship the package priority.  Among the things she was shipping was a pocket scripture booklet, titled, “Hope and Comfort from God’s Word.”  I delicately opened the book and the first passage read, “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”  and instantly knew that this scripture was meant for me.  I realized that Ohranj and Christy’s date was a sign of the riches I was to earn through Expresso.  With a new vigor, I set out to Borders to find a how-to market wisely book and gently put the pocket scripture book in the side pocket of my purse to ensure no imperfections.  I want to frame it, as a reminder of how I almost lost sight of my own career and riches because of a silly little date between two people that were decidedly not worth another minute of my time.  I also took the tubes of Chapstick that Jenny was shipping to her son and replaced them with 2 boxes of paper clips.

I also forgave myself for using Sunday as a day of sloth and self-pity and made a new commitment to my success regimen.

While at the book store, I struggled to find a suitable marketing book.  No wonder the internet has replaced brick and mortar bookstores!  You can’t find anything worthwhile at these stores!  I wandered through the sparse shelves and stumbled upon a wonderful book, aptly titled, “How to Dress For Success”.  I was tickled to find such a pearl and brought it to the checkout counter.  I smiled at the cashier, however only received a half-hearted smirk in return.

I made it to the gym.  Recognizing that I hadn’t the first clue as to where to start, I quickly scanned the floor, found a woman with the type of shapely body I desired, coyly followed her, and duplicated her regimen.  I was deflated to see that someone had torn down my Mary Kay advertisement off of the locker room cork board.

No one at work commented on my new hairstyle, but that is possibly because I wadded up what is left of my lovely locks under a wrap.


Sept 30th, 2014

I can barely walk today.  The muscles in my legs, butt, and lungs have been decimated by my workout yesterday.  Typical.  My life is nothing more than a series of flux and reflux.  Just when I get on a roll, I’m stopped dead in my tracks due to extreme pain and displeasure.  I’m certain there isn’t a bible passage that can help me through this, which is all the same, because I can’t find the pocket scripture booklet that I took from the care package for Jenny’s son.

I spent my morning reading my newly purchased book, “How to Dress for Success”.  I know that I made the right choice in purchasing this book rather than a marketing book, because this book, not only teaches me about marketing, but it also teaches me about marketing my best product, me.

There are many aspects to looking successful than I had previously realized.  For example, it is just as important to look stylish in the gym as it is in the workplace.  So, instead of going to the the gym tonight, which was physically impossible, I headed to Sports Authority and found appropriate attire.  I selected a lovely all-white outfit of a collared shirt, a flexible and breathable skirt, a package of sensible white socks, all white tennis shoes, and a visor.   I used caution to not buy anything too revealing, so I brought my measuring tape to ensure my skirt was no more than 4 inches above my knee.   I wasn’t sure if I should measure from the top or the bottom of my patella, so I split the difference and measured from the middle.  While I want to present professionalism and virtue, I also do not want to discount allure.

I also scoured the internet to find prices on stickers for “Expresso”.  I want to design a label that is sleek, authoritative, confident, successful, smart, and thrilling.



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